The, so-far, lack-luster Jonathan Goodluck era has literally surpassed itself in the manifestations of what the much-lamented Chief Sunday Awoniyi used to dismiss as “groveling sycophancy”. Nigeria’s political space has been overtaken by groups of the hungry; political carrion eaters; discredited ‘Godfathers’; eternal AGIPS; and sundry charlatans, all united in the lucrative “Goodluck-must-run” theatrics of the past few months in Nigeria. Nigeria’s federal revenue pot has been leaking in the direction of building a momentum to achieve by stealth, mischief and treachery (politics accommodates the most impossible combination of the bizarre!), to ensure that the uninspiring and colorless Jonathan Goodluck becomes the PDP’s presidential candidate in 2011.
To achieve this, politicians past their shelf life, like E.K. Clark, the almost-irredeemably controversial fixer-in-chief, Tony Anenih, Solomon Lar and the AGIP-without-varnish, Jerry Gana, have been given a shot in the arm, by the Jonathan Goodluck strategists. As we noted here a few weeks ago, no-longer-virile old men went to overdrive, in the consumption of political Viagra, desperately trying to raise a questionable manhood. If the libidinous dig seemed rather elliptical in that instance, last week brought sex right into the heart of Nigerian politics, in a most explicit manner. Nigerian newspapers on Wednesday, August 11th, 2010, reported how the “Jonathan-must-run” road show took “a dramatic dimension”, with a threat by the Nigerian chapter of the African Women in the Diaspora, headed by a certain Lady Igoniwari Halliday, speaking through its Communications Officer, Mrs. Patricia Badejo.
Members of this obscure organization “threatened to go on a seven-day sex strike” if by TOMORROW, Friday, August 20, 2010 (God have mercy!), Jonathan Goodluck has not declared his intention to run next year. The Nigerian chapter of the African Women in the Diaspora said it “unequivocally support[s] the presidential bid” of Jonathan and it should be declared by the given date, “failure of which will compel the women to embark on a-seven-day sex-starvation and will appeal to every well meaning Nigerian woman all over the world to join us in the journey of sex-starvation”. In a month when Muslims are in deep spiritual devotion and are abstaining from anything unseemly, the group threatened gloom, by the appointed date, if Jonathan Goodluck continues to hide the face of his presidential ambition behind a finger. “We will call on all wives, girlfriends, sex workers and girls within the age of consent to boycott sex for the specified number of days, starting from Friday, 20th to 27th August 2010”! As Mahmoud Jega might have said, “this is a very serious matter”!
Lady Igoniwari Halliday’s group issued the threat, likely to commence in just 24 hours, because they “were emboldened to throw their support” for Jonathan Goodluck, as “he has been very sensitive to gender issues and issues concerning widows and orphans since he came to office”. How Goodluck has done these they did not state; but shouldn’t we appeal to the Federal Executive Council, the National Council of States, our able security forces and other important national institutions to mobilize against the impending sex-starvation, because of the effect it can have on our nation’s economy, especially our booming tourism sector? Imagine the disorder, if Jonathan Goodluck continues to dither about his bid, and the sex-starvation elongates (rather like the Third Term Agenda!) into the period of the Calabar carnival or its Abuja cousin; thus affecting revenue from sex tourism and its increasingly significant contribution to Nigeria’s economic well-being.
More poignantly, it might even become imperative to organize a 36million-Man- March on Aso Villa. Each state should be directed to raise one million people to take part in a march on Aso villa, to convince Jonathan Goodluck that Nigeria will disappear if he refuses to declare his presidential bid. The men should remind him that a seven-day sex-starvation is worse than the drought ravaging the Sahel region of West Africa; more destructive than the floods in Southeast Asia and more serious than the landslides of China! Organizers can seek the funds to organize this 36million-Man-March from the ubiquitous “friends of mister president” and the Organized Private Sector. The Organizing Committee should include such experienced laureates of sycophancy as E.K .Clark; Tony Anenih; Solomon ‘Long-Cap’ Lar; Jerry ‘AGIP-to-the bone-marrows’ Gana; Ibrahim ‘Third Term’ Mantu; Ojo ‘man-must-whack’ Maduekwe; Mohammed Abba Aji; and Arthur ‘Kill June 12’ Nzeribe. State chapters should be headed by medal-wearing veteran sycophants from the days of Association for Better Nigeria (ABN), through the One Million Man March to the carrion eaters of the Third Term Agenda!
This can only be a winning team; just imagine Ojo Maduekwe on the rostrum providing the “intellectual” justification for the March, as Jerry Gana runs from pillar-to-post ensuring that proceedings go according to plan, and vigorously conducting the orchestra of sycophancy; while Ibrahim Mantu, Tony Anenih and Mohammed Abba Aji are locked in an adjacent room arranging “logistics” for candidates bused in for the event; just as the cables of NTA (Africa’s largest network) cross those of the private broadcasters, as the event is broadcast all over the world! A beaming Jonathan Goodluck will be surrounded by E.K. Clark and other members of the inner circle of sycophancy, all eyes glued to the huge plasma television in one of the many living rooms of Aso Villa, as 36million Nigerians beg; cajole; genuflect; bow; knee; pray; supplicate; grovel; prostrate and even shed crocodile tears for Jonathan Goodluck! 36million Nigerians cannot be wrong about the earth-shaking popularity of Jonathan. They will remind critics that Jonathan was divinely anointed and must come out at once! That “friends of mister president” and the “organized private sector” provided the funds; while others contributed vehicles to convey people to Abuja and yet others gave free accommodation shows how popular our Jonathan is!
But there is self interest in these matters. The 36million-Man-March was to ensure that the seven-day sex-starvation threatened by the Nigerian chapter of the African Women in Diaspora does not start by TOMORROW! A seven day ‘withdrawal of service’ by “wives, girl friends, sex workers and girls within the age of consent” can cause serious problem in Nigeria; what with all that ingestion of Viagra, political and otherwise? And besides, as we all know, MAN NO BE WOOD! So to stave off the threat, the high command of sycophancy must act trop vite, as the French say! And frankly, the sex-starvation threat has come at an awkward time for Jonathan; there is an imperative to diffuse it: he did not achieve clear-cut victory at last week’s PDP meetings; the on-line registration of PDP members got a short shrift, thus removing one of the strategic steps proposed to seize the party from the stranglehold of governors; the same governors locked out party chairman, Okwesileze Nwodo from their meeting thus showing they still have substantial control; PDP upheld zoning but said Jonathan can run, thus speaking, unconvincingly, from both sides of the mouth! Goodluck should hope that sex and politics do not become an explosive bad luck mix.
General Ibrahim Babangida, IBB celebrated his 69th birthday on August 17, 2010. A few days earlier he also declared his presidential ambition. These are interesting times indeed. Happy Birthday sir!